Couples counselling for the argument you have already had a hundred times

The work

It is almost never about the dishes

Most couples who come in can recite their argument from memory. The topic changes, the shape does not. One of you pushes for a resolution, the other goes quiet and waits for it to pass. Or you both go straight to the scoreboard and start listing evidence. Twenty minutes later nobody has been heard and the actual subject has vanished.

That repetition is the useful part, because it means there is a pattern to work with rather than a hundred separate problems. Underneath it there is usually something much smaller and much harder to say. Something like: I do not think you actually like me any more. Or: I am tired of being the only one who notices what needs doing.

My job is to slow the argument down enough that the real sentence can get said, and to make the room safe enough that saying it does not start another fight.

Who comes

• Couples stuck in the same loop who can both see it and cannot stop it
• Couples in the aftermath of an affair or a disclosure, working out whether repair is possible
• Couples where one person has an addiction and the relationship has organised itself around it
• Couples drifting quietly apart with no crisis to point at, which is its own kind of hard
• Couples deciding whether to separate, who want to make that decision properly rather than by exhaustion
• Individuals working on their part of a relationship pattern, with or without a partner in the room

What the sessions are like

Both of you talk. I will interrupt, and I will do it evenly. If one of you is doing something that is clearly making things worse, I will name it, and I will do the same for the other one when it is their turn. It usually is their turn fairly soon.

We are not aiming for a winner. We are aiming for the point where you can both describe the other person's position accurately enough that they would agree with your description. A surprising amount changes once that is possible.

Early on, sessions tend to be weekly. Once the loop has loosened and you have something that works at home, they space out. Most couples do not stay in counselling forever, and I will tell you when I think you have got what you came for.

If your partner will not come

Come anyway. This is common and it is not a wasted session. A relationship is a pattern running between two people, and one person changing their half of it changes the whole thing. It is slower than both of you being in the room. It is a very long way from useless.