It is a fair question, and it deserves a better answer than the one people in my line of work usually give. Counselling costs real money and real time, and asking whether it is worth it is not scepticism, it is basic sense.

So here is an honest attempt, including the parts that are not good for business.

When it tends to help

• Something repeats. The same argument, the same slump every winter, the same kind of relationship ending the same way. Repetition means a pattern, and patterns are the thing counselling is actually good at.
• You know what you do but not why. Insight from the outside is genuinely useful here, because the pattern is invisible from inside it.
• Something has happened that you cannot put down. Grief, betrayal, an event that keeps replaying.
• You are managing, but only just. You do not need to be in crisis to qualify. Most people wait far longer than they need to.
• You have nobody neutral. Friends are wonderful and they are not neutral. They have to see you at Christmas.

When it probably will not, on its own

• When the problem is mainly circumstantial. If you are exhausted because you work sixty hours a week, an hour of counselling will not fix that. It might help you decide what to do about it, but be clear about which you are buying.
• When someone else has sent you. Counselling done to satisfy a partner or an employer rarely goes anywhere. It can turn into real work, but only once you find something in it you actually want.
• When you want someone to agree with you. Understandable, and a friend is cheaper.
• When what you need is medical. Some things need a GP, a psychiatrist or a specialist service first. A decent counsellor will tell you.

How to tell if it is working

People expect to feel better each week. That is not a reliable signal, and the first few sessions can genuinely feel worse, because you have started poking at something you had carefully arranged not to look at.

Better markers, around session six to eight:

• You catch yourself doing the thing, even if you cannot stop it yet. Noticing is the first real change and it always precedes stopping.
• The gap between trigger and reaction gets slightly longer.
• You can say something out loud that you previously could not.
• Something small in your actual life is different. You had the conversation. You did not send the text. You went.
• You are less frightened of your own feelings, even where they have not changed much.

If none of that is happening by session eight, say so. A good counsellor will welcome it, because it is far more useful than politely continuing. Sometimes the approach needs to change, sometimes the fit is wrong, and occasionally counselling is not the right tool at all. All three are better found out at session eight than session forty.

On not clicking with someone

The relationship between you and your counsellor is one of the strongest predictors of whether counselling works. That is not soft, it is one of the most consistent findings in the field.

So if you do not click, that is information, not rudeness. You are allowed to stop and try someone else. Any counsellor worth seeing will help you do it without making it awkward.

The cheapest way to find out

Ten minutes on the phone with whoever you are considering. Not a form, not an email, a conversation. You will learn more about whether you can work with someone from ten minutes of their actual voice than from any amount of reading about their approach.

Ask them directly whether they think they can help. If they say yes to everything without asking you much, be careful. The answer you want is a specific one, and sometimes the most useful answer is no, but here is who you should call.

The first call here is free, ten minutes, no obligation to book anything afterwards. If I do not think I am the right person, I will say so and point you somewhere better.